The Psychology of The Gilmore Girls: What is Parentification?

It’s that time of year again when I start to see a plethora of videos stating that Rory and Lorelia's relationship is “goals”. Sorry folks, but today, I’m going to burst that bubble!

Welcome to my mini series Psychology on Screen, my name is Ruth and I am an accredited and registered Trauma Therapist and Eating Disorder specialist. This is my series where I break down the psychology of your favourite characters, so if that sounds like your cup of tea, make sure to hit the subscribe button to be notified when new videos land.

Despite their love, Rory and Lorelai's relationship is marked by psychological enmeshment and parentification, leading to unhealthy dynamics.

But what does that actually mean?

Psychological Enmeshment:

• Enmeshment in a relationship happens when boundaries are incredibly blurred, and therefore become very unclear. In enmeshed relationships, there can be a lot of confusion around where healthy boundaries lie, and it often means that these healthy boundaries are severely pushed or never had the chance to exist in the first place. Healthy boundaries are ESSENTIAL for developing healthy relationships; without them, relationships can struggle to thrive. In enmeshed relationships we can feel we lack independence from the other person, or feel co-dependent of them, they may find it difficult to allow themselves to make mistakes, or feel confident in making decisions without the other person. They may turn to people pleasing often, or overshare personal information which is perhaps inappropriate for the relationship.

Throughout the series, we see Lorelai really struggling with Rory growing up and finding her own sense of self and identity. There are many scenes where we see Lorelai act in a very childlike, rejected manner when Rory begins to build new relationships and new traditions outside their own. 

Similarly, Rory and Lorelai rely incredibly heavily on each other for emotional support. This results in them living in an echo chamber, often making very poor decisions. For me, I would like to see Rory make stronger connections outwith her relationship with Lorelai to have a wider support network. This would really help Rory have a healthier bond with her mother. Similarly, we need to see Lorelai have more “adult” friends who she can share her concerns and troubles with. This would minimise the amount of “emotional dumping” she puts onto Rory, and make the relationship feel less confused.

The duo are overly close and often feel completely meshed into each other's routines. When we look at Lorelais upbringing - wealthy, strict to the point of punitive, and one which suffocated her own wants and needs - to then becoming a single mother at 16, I can really see why this dynamic has emerged. Instead of being the parent Rory needed, Lorelai became the parent SHE wanted when she was growing up. This means that her mothering style is instead that of a friend, or a cool Aunt. We see her regularly inserting herself into Rorys relationship as she grows and develops, from having lunches with her friends (and frenemy), sleeping with her teacher, even being present during her first date with Dean! In fact, even when Rory decides to drop out of Yale, she tries to hatch a plan to effectively force her to stay, finally pushing the boundaries too far and creating a significant rift in their relationship.

It’s also easy to forget that Rory's given name is actually Lorelai - her mother subconsciously moulding a mini-me at birth, and we see this continue as she struggles with Rory ever branching out to find a self of self and become her own person.

Now I’m not saying that Loreali is a bad mother, but what I am saying is that her own unresolved traumas have led to her adopting a parenting style which emotionally smothers both herself and her child. I do wonder if Lorelai had been given the support she needed to process her childhood and teenage traumas, if her parenting style would be different.

And that brings me perfectly on to;

Parentification:

• Definition: Parentification occurs when a child takes on parental roles, often due to the parent's emotional immaturity or absence.

• We see this happening regularly in Gilmore Girls, due to the extremely strong enmeshment between the duo, often boundaries around household practicalities or emotional caregiving are very blurred. I actually think that many of the practical responsibilities we see Rory take on would absolutely not be expected of someone her age, particularly in the earlier seasons. 

And I do actually wonder if this is one of the two reasons we see Rory struggle in later seasons to become a fully formed adult who can make healthy life decisions. Firstly, without her mother, due to the enmeshment they experience, she struggles to know what a good decision is, but secondly, I wonder if Rory is actually burnt out by having to play the parent when she herself was a child, so is reclaiming her child years subconsciously by regressing as an adult. Rory has no real sense of self, so mirrors her mother in this adulthood regression to becoming a child. Lorelai actually often scorns adult behaviours and actions, like for example, cooking, and we actually see her scorn Rory for this when she begins to cook in her relationship with Logan.

I think Lorelais own extremely traumatic relationship with her mother, meant she was never truly mothered herself, and we see her subconsciously pushing that role onto Rory.

Consequences of Enmeshment and Parentification:

I think what we see in the shows reboot is that the consequences of this relationship have been incredibly detrimental on Rory. She has really struggled to find a sense of self, and makes some really poor, often quite immature decisions. Just like Lorelais's emotional development seemed to stop at 16 when she had Rory, it feels like Rory's emotional development became stunted in teenagehood, too. She is in a a career which she really isn’t that passionate about, is having an affair with engaged ex-boyfriend Logan, though she has a boyfriend herself whom she frequently forgets about.

Ironically the queen of development by the end of the reboot is actually Emily, who we see for the first time independent and working on her own emotions and trauma!

To me, whilst yes on screen this is an amazing autumnal show, in reality this is a masterclass on intergenerational trauma, and what can happen to us during motherhood if we ourselves are not given the support and permission to heal. It’s not all bad, their relationship has some wonderful moments, but it is certainly hard to ignore the underlying toxicity.

Tell me, what are your top moments where you see Rory or Lorelai showing toxic behaviours? And do you agree with me that it’s Emily who ends up being our recovery queen of the show?

Be kind to yourself, and I’ll see you soon for our next instalment of Psychology on Screen!